The Liberal Manifesto

From Chapter 1: "What It Means To Be A Liberal" in How to Win a Fight with a Conservative

Liberals believe that fighting for social justice, equal rights, a social safety net, and economic justice for the 99% is for the common good, and not part of a socialist plot.

Liberals believe that clean air, clean water, access to education, and universal health care are basic human rights, not privileges—and seriously not part of a socialist plot.

Liberals believe in getting their news from Jon Stewart and their comedy from Fox News.

Liberals refuse to believe that corporations are people until Texas executes one.

Liberals believe in two simple things that will save the economy: gay bridal registries and taxing legalized marijuana.

Liberals believe in separating church and hate and doing what Jesus would actually do, instead of lobbying for more tax cuts that benefit the wealthy, while stripping food stamps away from the poor.

Liberals believe that just because you’re rich, you’re not a “job creator,” particularly if your name is Snooki, and especially if you’re a soulless CEO who has just laid off his entire U.S. workforce because he found a Chinese sweatshop that can do the work on the cheap. That makes you a “job exporter,” and a douche bag.

Liberals believe in the supremacy of science, facts, and reason-based thought, and that if global warming and evolution are theories, then so are gravity and NASCAR.

Liberals believe in offering conservatives a concession: don’t pray in our schools, and we won’t think in your churches.

Liberals believe there is no bigger government than the one that listens to your phone calls for your own protection, wants to put itself in charge of every single pregnancy, censors your textbooks, arrests and detains you indefinitely without charge, or attempts to dictate who you can marry.

Liberals believe the best way to fight terror is to hunt down and kill the terrorists that actually attacked you. Mission accomplished! You’re welcome!

Liberals believe that supporting our troops doesn’t just mean wearing American-flag underwear; it means not sending soldiers off to fight phony wars in the first place, and not voting people into office who plan to slash veterans’ benefits to spite the other party. (Republicans, we’re looking at you.)

Liberals believe that no banks are too big to fail, too big to be held to stricter financial regulations, or too big to have the people running them thrown in jail for ripping America off.

Liberals believe that deep-pocketed special interests shouldn’t be allowed to spend unlimited money to buy off politicians and game our elections because when private power becomes stronger than the state itself, that’s what Franklin Roosevelt once called the essence of fascism. Or as Republicans call it, a fund-raiser.

And more than anything else, liberals believe that it’s time to come together as a country, restore sanity, and refuse to be held hostage by a merry band of right-wing faux patriots who stand for blocking or repealing all of the above and turning American into a corpo-fascist idiocracy that’s for sale to the highest bidder.

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Revised & Updated for the 2012 Election!