What Breed of Liberal Are You?

From the book How to Win a Fight with a Conservative

  1. Which bumper sticker would you most likely put on your car?
    1. Nice Hummer—Sorry About Your Penis
    2. Democrats: Cleaning Up Republican Messes Since 1933
    3. Jesus Was A Hippie
    4. Abolish Corporate Personhood
    5. Evolution Is Just A Theory…Kind Of Like Gravity
    6. Honk If My Taxes Support Your Whiny Teabagging Ass

  2. A second civil war has just broken out in America. Who is to blame?
    1. Global warming deniers—for continuing to reject reality despite rising oceans off the coast of Kansas
    2. Bible-thumping puritans—for attempting to ban abortion, gay people, and sex
    3. Rick Perry—for actually seceding Texas from the Union and legalizing the hunting of humans for sport/capital punishment/reality TV
    4. Corporate America—for attempting to buy naming rights to the Exxon Mobil/Goldman Sachs/Wal-Mart States of America
    5. Fox News—for promoting a “fair and balanced” overthrow of the government with a flashy “March to Civil War” logo and theme music
    6. Sarah Palin—for her “Civil War in America” bus tour, where she raised an army of mind¬less followers, led them across a bridge to nowhere, and then quit halfway through

  3. An asteroid is headed for Earth. You have a seat on the last shuttle off the planet. If you could bring only one book with which to build a future civilization, what would it be?
    1. An Inconvenient Truth, by Al Gore
    2. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams
    3. The Courage to Survive, by Dennis Kucinich
    4. A People’s History of the United States, by Howard Zinn
    5. Origin of Species, by Charles Darwin
    6. I Am America (And So Can You!), by Stephen Colbert

  4. If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they would be most appalled by which of the following?
    1. That hemp is illegal. Come on, what wasn’t clear about the “pursuit of happiness”?
    2. That people think guys who wore powdered wigs and Capri pants were against gay marriage
    3. The military-industrial-evangelical complex
    4. That the Bush-packed Supreme Court thinks corporations are people too
    5. That today’s Tea Party is the total opposite of their Tea Party
    6. That 60 million people punched ballots with Sarah Palin’s name on it in ’08

  5. If you could time-travel back to any historical event and bring one thing with you, what would you choose?
    1. The day BP began spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico—with a giant ShamWow
    2. The day the Supreme Court anointed George W. Bush president—with a video montage recapping the disasters of 9/11, two botched wars, Katrina, and the financial collapse
    3. The 1967 Summer of Love—with a truckload of condoms
    4. The day Monica Lewinsky brought Bill Clinton pizza—with a dry-cleaning coupon
    5. Honolulu, Hawaii, August 4, 1961—with a video camera to capture Obama’s birth on film and shut the birthers up once and for all
    6. The day that Dick Cheney was first seduced by the Dark Side of the Force—with a lightsaber

  6. If you were a candidate for political office, what would your theme song be?
    1. “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” by Kermit the Frog
    2. “Fight the Power,” by Public Enemy
    3. “Let Them Eat War,” by Bad Religion
    4. “Take This Job and Shove It,” by Johnny Paycheck
    5. “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” by U2
    6. “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine),” by R.E.M.

  7. Which of the following statements do you most strongly agree with?
    1. I wish more people cared about Earth as much as they cared about who they believe created it.
    2. Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.
    3. Reagonomics: convincing poor people they can become rich by giving rich people more money.
    4. Trying to pick my favorite Republican candidate is exactly like deciding which STD would be just right for me.
    5. The only people who don't accept the theory of evolution are those who have not yet themselves begun the process.
    6. I thought about voting Republicans once, but then I just decided to buy a Bible, dump oil in a National Park, and give my money to a rich person…figured just cut out the middle man.

  8.  Which of the following groupings of people would you most like to see "Occupied" by a 24-hour drum circle?
    1. The CEOs of BP, Exxon Mobil, and Chevron—for fouling our air, poisoning our oceans, and melting our ice caps
    2. Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito—for working to roll back most of the social progress achieved over the last century
    3. George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, and Jeb Bush—for past and future crimes against humanity
    4. Wall Street bankers—for turning the stock market into a rigged casino and robbing us blind
    5. Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Glenn Beck—for being ignorant douche bags and lying to other ignorant douche bags
    6. Rick Perry, cancer, and cigarettes—for sending more people to the grave than a death panel

  9. What region of the country would you most like to see kicked out of the Union?
    1. Texas—execution-happy breeding ground for idiot presidents and fossil fools
    2. The South—home to Civil War-reenacting knuckle-draggers and Confederate flag-waving bigots
    3. NASCAR country—home to chest-thumping, flag-waving jingoists and beer-swilling yahoos
    4. Wall Street—home to greed-mongering, Ponzi-scheming white collar crooks
    5. The Bible Belt—home to Rapture-ready, God-misappropriating evangeliclowns
    6. Arizona—home to gun-toting racists and rogue cops itching to racially profile anyone who’s a shade south of white, as well as really old people who drive slow and won’t get out of the fast lane

  10. If you could chisel any Americans, living or dead, onto Mt. Rushmore, who would you choose?
    1. Al Gore, Robert Kennedy Jr., John Muir, and a giant compact fluorescent light bulb
    2. Cesar Chavez, Rosa Parks, Harvey Milk, and Angelina Jolie
    3. Martin Luther King Jr., Bob Dylan, Michael Moore, and George Clooney
    4. Bill, Hillary, Barack, and Oprah
    5. Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, Al Franken, and “President” Martin Sheen
    6. Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, and Conan O’Brien


Buy "How to Win a Fight with a Conservative" today!

Revised & Updated for the 2012 Election!